The Unlimited Blog

owner

2009-10-06T19:26:00.001+05:30

The unknown resides opposite the strict plant.

Benefits of using Zennioptical.com

2009-07-22T14:10:00.004+05:30

ZenniOptical.com Sells Stylish Prescription Glasses Online. You will find huge selection of frames, with single vision lens, sunsensor (potochromic)lens, tinted sunglasses lens, bifocal lens and progressive lens. The Range starts from $ 8 Rx eyeglasses. The Secret to Zenni’s Low Prices is that they sell only their own manufactured frames direct to the customer, with no middlemen and virtually no advertising budget. Using the latest modern materials, manufacturing and marketing systems, they bring their product direct from our factories to you. With the popularity they getting by providing eyeglasses as low price with a wide range, the news have Zenni Optical on TV!!!. Recently one the customer said High Five to Zenni Optical seems like he was totally satisfied with its quality service and product.

Man raped by an Elephant

2008-12-09T14:08:00.000+05:30

A man goes to a doctor and says "What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says "your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says "Yeah but he fingered me first!"

Twenty bucks for a blow job

2008-12-08T12:10:00.000+05:30

A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"

God teaching Adam about making love

2008-12-07T13:40:00.004+05:30

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

Lady with bruises on thighs visiting doctor

2008-12-07T13:40:00.003+05:30

A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. When asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"

Wife putting newspaper notice after husbands death

2008-12-07T13:40:00.001+05:30

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

Businessman and secretary overcome by passion

2008-12-07T13:39:00.001+05:30

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!

Mother finding condom in daughters room

2008-12-07T13:36:00.000+05:30

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there.

Zoo Book

2008-12-07T13:35:00.001+05:30

Jake is five and learning to read.
He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mamma! It's a frickin elephant

Deep breath....."What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin Elephant, Mama!'

"It says so on the picture!"

African Elephant'

USA Casinos Game Players Welcome

2008-12-07T13:10:00.002+05:30

in the last few years, the trend of playing Casinos game online is on high. Most of the people who not able to visit any of the casinos loves to play it online through websites on Online casinos. There is one and undoubtedly good site on USA online casinos and it is USA Casino accepting USA Players with no state exclusions. USA Deposits Allowed Site.

It offers USA Land Casinos, Las Vegas Land Casinos, Reno Land Casinos, Biloxi Land Casinos, Atlantic City Land Casinos, English Harbour Poker, Crazy Vegas Poker, Aztec Riches Poker, Golden Tiger Poker, Poker Rewards, Virtual City Poker, Captain Cooks Poker, River Belle Poker, The Gaming Club Poker, Bingo, Slots

Phelios games: PC Games, Mac Games, RPG Games

2008-12-02T11:00:00.002+05:30

Now a days a lot of kids and youngster and even grown up ones are into computer games, and the Internet world is flooded with games but not all that good. Recently while looking for some good sites for computer games, I came across phelios.com. Its main attraction is mac games, where i came across mac solitaire which is really and interesting and worth playing. In addition to all that phelios.com also has Hidden object games for mac.

Nouveau Riche

2008-11-21T14:03:00.002+05:30

Becoming Rich and prosperous is a dream that each and every individual sees everyday. One only one in a million able to convert his/her dreams into reality.
Recently while browsing through web, i came across a article THE BILLIONAIRES, which provide information about those people who were previously part of a lower socioeconomic rank and then became billionaire known as Nouveau Riche. The Article really motivates a individual to think that he can convert what ever he dreams about. The all he need to do is to focus himself on his target and may be one day he might be able to touch the heights he never ever thought of.

The Article not only motivates a individual but also provide information about the Nouveau Riche, and tells us how they achived it. It will let us to think if Nouveau Riche can achive they why not we.

Senior Citizen for Yearly Physical

2008-08-29T11:39:00.000+05:30

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical
with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,
"I will need a urine sample,
a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing,
turns to his wife and meekly asks, "What did he say?"

The weary wife yells to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR STINKING UNDERWEAR!"

Women and Bus Driver

2008-08-29T11:38:00.001+05:30

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.
Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his
crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her
it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she
asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh crap, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Maid asked for a raise

2008-08-29T11:36:00.001+05:30

A Maid asked for a raise.
Her Madam was very upset about this and asked: Now Maria, why do you want an increase?
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: The Master said so.
Madam: Oh
Maria: The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Madam: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?
Maria: The Master did.
Madam: Oh
Maria: My third reason is that I am a better "woman" than you.
Madam (very upset now): Did the Master say so as well?
Maria: No Madam, the gardener said.
SHE GOT THE RAISE ...

Make me feel like a woman again

2008-08-29T11:32:00.001+05:30

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

GodFather's Revolver or Rolex watch

2008-08-29T11:30:00.000+05:30

The old Italian Mafia Don, The Godfather is dying so he called his
grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanna you listen to me. I wanna for you to take my Chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your
Rolex watch instead."
"You listen to me, some day you gonna be running the business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe a
couple of bambino. Some day your gonna come home and maybe find your
wife in bed with another man.. What you gonna do then? Point to
your watch and say TIMESUP?"

Seventeenth chapter of Mark

2008-08-29T11:26:00.001+05:30

A preacher would up the services one morning by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

Husband Wife and Frying Pan

2008-08-29T11:23:00.000+05:30

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

"Your horse called up"

Earth Rotates 30 Times Faster

2008-08-29T11:17:00.001+05:30

Q. What happens when the earth rotates 30 times faster?

*

*

*

*

A. You get your salary every day!!

Find Volume mathmatician physicist engineer

2008-06-15T14:19:00.000+05:30

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

M.B.A Student vs B.E Student

2008-06-15T14:17:00.000+05:30

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

A MBA and a BE student go on a camping trip, set up their tent ,and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend and says
"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
The BE asks, "What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

World's Greatest Marvel---that is an Engineer

2008-06-15T14:13:00.001+05:30

[1] Marvel that is an Engineer - Practical

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice; her clothes probably wouldn't have fit
you anyway.

[2] Marvel that is an Engineer - Exact

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[3] Marvel that is an Engineer - Discriminative
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

[4] Marvel that is an Engineer - Probing Mind
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[5] Marvel that is an Engineer - Detailed
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints. "Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The
last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[6] Marvel that is an Engineer - Perfectionist
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke,
it is perfect, then expand it and add more features until it breaks.

[7] Marvel that is an Engineer - Values
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will
stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do
ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog
asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and
that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now
that's cool."

[8] Marvel that is an Engineer - Resilient

Cold of Economy gives them Pneumonia yet they survive and flourish
everywhere.

A naughty Poem

2008-06-15T13:42:00.000+05:30

The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone just her and I

Her hair so soft
her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do

Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine

I didn't know how
but I tried my best
to place my hand on her breast

I remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread her legs apart

And when she did
I felt no shame
as all at once the white stuff came

At last it was finished
it's all over now,
my first time... milking a cow.

GIRL With PSYCHIATRIST

2008-06-14T12:16:00.001+05:30

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

CHINESE TO U.S.A

2008-06-14T12:15:00.001+05:30

5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Hu, Fu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck

Bu became Buck

Hu became Huck

*
*
*
*
*

Fu and Su decided to stay in China

Three wishes ............ ......... ......

2008-06-14T12:13:00.000+05:30

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of
water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last
breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he
had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat,
black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

"Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes."

"I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!"

"Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!"

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was
right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and
drink."

** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he
was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old
coins and precious gems.

"Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good
vone!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!"

** * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be
a string attached.

A Bunch Of Jokes

2008-06-14T12:11:00.001+05:30

• Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.

• Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?
A: One is for fighting and one is to make up..

• Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe saab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin, driver bol raha tha!

• Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke peeche chup jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid padi hai.

• Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl, my wife is a gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I’m HIV positive.

• Unborn twins in the mother’s stomach saw a penis.
1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.

• Rosemary divorced Mr.Lele b'coz she was sick of telling her name,"Roz Meri Lele."
Imagine her tough luck, she was re-married to Mr. Marlow

• Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, tumhare aankhon mein bas jaaon, tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.
Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?

------------------------------------

She Should Not Feel

2008-06-14T12:08:00.001+05:30

A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consequtive nights.

Boy to his friend "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back."

Friend asks him "Only this much? Why?

Boy Reples, " Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her.

Boy further tells his friend, " Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back."

Friend again asked him, " Reallly? That's all?

Boy Replies. " Ya. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself".

Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masterbetted myself and we came back immeditely."

Friend shockingly asks him " No sex with her at all? Why?"

Boy replies, "Ya. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"

No Pants

2008-06-13T10:05:00.001+05:30

*A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist down.*
*
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed . The
old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Smell & Tell

2008-06-13T10:02:00.000+05:30

*A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the
blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous
customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to
the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind
man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed
potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He
tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the
owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the
blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with
broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife
that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner
sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the
blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready
and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I
already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep
whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
*

Prostitutes on SALE

2008-06-13T09:59:00.001+05:30

*One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying
naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued
on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing
home with the same six old ladies laying on the lawn. This time my
curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a
SALE!"
*

NOBLE PRIZE

2008-06-13T09:58:00.000+05:30

A man is driving down a country road,when he spots a farmer standing
in the middle of a huge field of grass.He pulls the car over to the
side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there,
doing nothing,looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and ask him, Excuse me Mr, but what are you doing?.

The farmer replies, I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize .

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well, I heard they give the Noble Prize.... to people who are
outstanding in their field....... ..

pen is in your hand

2008-06-13T09:55:00.000+05:30

teacher:::-- -- make this sentence in this word '''hand'''
student ::--- my penis in your hand..
teacher ""-- slap him""
student ::-- sorry teacher forgot to put space in between pen and is ....

How to kill mosquito?

2008-06-12T14:03:00.000+05:30

1. Catch it alive.

2. Tie its legs.

3. Then make a "Gudgudi" in its stomach.

4. n When mosquito laughs, catch its mouth....

n pour a spoon of poison.....

Mission Accomplished. ...

New Exam pattern in India (Revised):

2008-06-12T14:02:00.001+05:30

New Exam pattern in India (Revised):

1. General students - Answer ALL questions.

2. OBC - WRITE ANY one question.

3. SC - ONLY READ questions.

4. ST - THANKS FOR COMING..

AND.

5. Gujjars/Jats - THANKS FOR ALLOWING OTHERS TO ATTEND THE EXAMINATION .. !!

Viagra For Diarrhea

2008-06-12T13:59:00.001+05:30

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'

Men are just like dogs

2008-01-03T09:46:00.001+05:30

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Sorry Guys ... I just had to share this one ... hehehe!

Manifold

2008-01-03T09:46:00.000+05:30

Click here to play now!
An anomaly is blocking your path to the exit. You can retrieve anomalies by placing your mouse over them and pressing the spacebar.
Instruction: Use AWD keys to move.

Three women eating ice-cream

2008-01-03T09:44:00.000+05:30

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Young couple after wedding night

2008-01-03T09:43:00.002+05:30

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds.
After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.
At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mothers once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

Uncle Sam and Osama dogfighting

2008-01-03T09:43:00.001+05:30

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever. When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole. Osama said, “We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves. “Uncle Sam said, “That’s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

What I’ve Learned…

2008-01-03T09:42:00.001+05:30

1. I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

2. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

3. I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

4. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others — they are more fucked up than you think.

5. I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

6. I’ve learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

7. I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

8. I’ve learned that a good time can be had by sitting on the beach and drinking with a bum.

9. I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

10. I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

11. I’ve learned that maturity is a magazine for old people.

12. I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one, the asshole and the horse tooth girl will be and will also claim to be your best friend.

13. I’ve learned that no matter how good a chick is, she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

14. I’ve learned that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

15. I’ve learned that airport personnel don’t like you joking about bombs in your luggage. No matter how many times you state that you’re only joking.

16. I’ve learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

17. I’ve learned to say, “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.

Plane with Pepsi down in African jungle

2008-01-03T09:41:00.001+05:30

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, “You betcha!”

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.”

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief replied, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you…you know…eat, their…’things’?”

The chief says, “No.”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”

Shopping For A Man

2008-01-03T09:40:00.001+05:30

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

The ABC’s Of Ex-Wives

2008-01-03T09:39:00.000+05:30

A is for Alimony … the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls … which are now ours again.

C is for Court … where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce … the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution … another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence … finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi…someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.

H is for House … which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate … where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry … the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids … the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer … whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother … and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.

O is for Overdrawn … what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS … what we say: “No, honey, you don’t look like you’re retaining water.” …what we mean, “No wonder there’s a citywide drought.”

Q is for Quarter … what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner … should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex … thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat … the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS … the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa … one of several cards she maxed out.

W is for Wrong … which you always were.

X is for X chromosome … I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht … maybe the next guy will have one.

Z is for Zirconium … I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.

Credit Card Applications

2008-01-03T09:37:00.000+05:30

Editor's Note:- Just couldn't resist posting this "joke" which in many ways reflects the reality of today. I am sure, almost everybody here has been harassed by a bank wanting to thrust their card into your wallet even if you didn't want it and have had harrowing experiences. Please do feel free to post some of your terrible experiences in the comments. Thanks in advance.
---------------------------------------------
So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?

What it says: “You have demonstrated financial responsibility…”
What it means: You’re breathing!

What it says: “Our membership is difficult to obtain…”
What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible… in most states!

What it says: “We have shortened the application process…”
What it means: “We need lots of new members fast or we’ll go out of business!”

What it says: “You have no predetermined credit limit…”
What it means: “We’re not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency.”

What it says: “Exceptional Customer Service…”
What it means: Except when you need it!

What it says: “Trained customer representatives await your call…”
What it means: “This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?”

What it says: “To apply for membership, fill out this short form…”
What it means: You’ll get the long form later.

What it says: “You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else…”
What it means: “Catch us, if you can!”

What it says: “We look forward to receiving your completed application…”
What it means: “We baited the hook, let’s see if anyone bites!”

What it says: “You’ve been pre-approved…”
What it means: “You’ve been pre-approved to be Rejected!” or “We’ve already prepared your letter of denial.”

Grandma's advice to virgin grand-daughter

2008-01-03T09:36:00.000+05:30

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Men are like...

2008-01-03T09:35:00.000+05:30

Men are like........bank accounts
They're only useful when they are loaded.

The New Mens Thesaurus

2008-01-01T15:48:00.001+05:30

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Niki DSouza 4

2008-01-01T15:42:00.000+05:30

Click here to play now!
Niki DSouza posing in sexy bikini picture puzzle game.
Instruction: Please use mouse to puzzle pieces together.

Not easy being a guy

2008-01-01T15:37:00.000+05:30

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

The Affair

2008-01-01T15:36:00.001+05:30

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.

“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug suggested.

“But what if my wife finds out?”

“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!”

So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”

“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that a couple of dozen times - it didn’t work.”

The Three Swordsmen

2008-01-01T15:34:00.000+05:30

Once the Shogun gave a reception to honor the best swordsmen in Japan. All the top samurai were in attendance along with Court nobles and beautiful geisha. A geisha approached the third highest ranked swordsmen and asked; "Sir, can you demonstrate your sword skills for me?" At once, the samurai drew his sword a cut a hovering fly in half. "Very impressive", said the geisha. When she saw the samurai who was the second highest ranked swordsmen in Japan she asked him the same question. He immediately drew his sword and cut two pesky flys in half. "Most impressive", said the geisha. Then she spotted the samurai that was the highest ranked swordsmen in all of Japan. "Honorable Sir", she said "would you be so kind as to demonstrate your sword skill for me?". The samurai drew his sword and cut into the air in the direction of a nearby fly, but the fly buzzed away. "Oh, so sorry you missed", said the geisha. "But I didn't miss", said the samurai humbly "that fly will have no offspring."

Which Hole?

2008-01-01T15:32:00.000+05:30

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

Going To Heaven

2008-01-01T15:31:00.000+05:30

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf

2008-01-01T15:30:00.000+05:30

10. Nuts… my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up… I need to wash my balls first.

The Grand Wish

2008-01-01T15:29:00.000+05:30

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish (this happens all the time). He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.

The Genie pales, and says, “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.”

“OK,” the dude says, “Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!”

The Genie shakes his head and says, “Let me see that map again…”

Titles of Monica Lewinsky’s future books

2008-01-01T15:27:00.002+05:30

I Wore What You Did Last Summer

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

She’s Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

Ode To A Penis

2008-01-01T15:27:00.001+05:30

I’ll tell you a short poem;
I’ll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless;
You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days,
When it was small and hairless;
I’ve looked upon that bit of flesh,
As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you’re about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
When erect it’s quite a sight;
A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below;
Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within;
Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It’s ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own;
It’s like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
You can’t control its energy;
You must wait ’til it’s ceased.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length;
It’s something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn’t.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn’t.
Did that lady notice it?
You blush and hope she couldn’t.

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loos,
And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin;
That’s what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives’ tales;
Outdated and naive.
And if you’re feeling tense or stressed,
A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is,
When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous;
It has so many uses.
For women it is special too;
Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated,
From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you;
Until you’re old and frail.
Don’t take it out in public though,
Or you’ll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud;
And thank the lord you’re male.

Breach of contract

2008-01-01T15:26:00.000+05:30

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

“What’s the problem?” asked the lawyer.

“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man.

“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property, you don’t own her!”

“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!”

Indian Hell

2008-01-01T15:23:00.002+05:30

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, “What do they do here?” He told, ”First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.” “But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?”

“Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

The ABC's Of Ex-Lovers

2008-01-01T15:23:00.001+05:30

A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.

B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now!!!!

Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.

Insurance company slogan competition

2008-01-01T15:21:00.000+05:30

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."

A Good Hunch

2007-12-30T17:28:00.000+05:30

Click here to play now!
Guide both Harvey and his friend Tina to the exits. Tell us how you fared in the comments.
Instruction: Use left right arrow keys to move and Space to jump.

Selling Viagra over the counter

2007-12-30T17:23:00.000+05:30

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

3 bullets

2007-12-30T17:19:00.001+05:30

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay," says the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

The Blonde Artist

2007-12-30T17:18:00.000+05:30

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.

“No,” the talented blonde artist said. “I don’t do that sort of thing.”

“I’ll increase your fee two times,” he said.

“No, no thanks!!” she replies.

“I’ll give five times as much as you normally get!” the man states.

“Okay,” said the blonde artist, “but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes.”

Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

2007-12-30T17:17:00.002+05:30

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

8. Ice floating in toilet water.

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

6. Friends swear they’ve seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.

5. You can never find the leftovers.

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.

3. The dog doesn’t lick itself anymore… now it’s the cat’s job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to “Rover.”

1. Your apartment keys no longer work.

Tee Time In Hell

2007-12-30T17:17:00.001+05:30

There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn’t like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven.

Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses.

When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man’s situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man’s ultimate destination wasn’t clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldn’t control himself. He just had to play a round.

The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn’t control himself. He just had to play there.

He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course.

Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball.

Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.

“That’s the Hell of it,” says Satan with a devilish laugh.

Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped

2007-12-30T17:16:00.001+05:30

1. “The cucumber has left the salad.”

2. “Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”

3. “Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”

4. “Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”

5. “Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”

6. “Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”

7. “You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”

8. “You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”

9. “I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”

10. “Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis.”

Penis Envy

2007-12-30T17:15:00.002+05:30

If I had a penis I’d wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I’d pamper it proper.
I’d stay in the tub and use me as a stopper.

If I had a penis I’d take it to parties,
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I’d take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I’d stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day.

I’d rival my buddies in sports cars and stick-shifts.
I’d shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I’d peek around corners, I’d aim at my toilet.
I’d poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.

If I had a penis I’d run to my mother,
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I’d lance her, I’d knight her, my hands would indulge,
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
A penis to love me, a penis to share…
To pick up and play with when nobody’s there.

I’d sit like a guy, I’d straddle the chair.
I’d play with my fly, albeit with care.
I’d dip it in chocolate, I’d stick it in sockets.
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets.

I’d stick it in vacuums on vacant verandahs,
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Pool halls and potholes and bottles and bitches.

If I had a penis, I’d climb every mountain.
I’d force it on females, I’d pee like a fountain.
If I could have a penis and still be a girl,
I’d make much more money and conquer the world!

The Female Rules

2007-12-30T17:15:00.001+05:30

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Does The Sex Really Count?

2007-12-30T17:14:00.001+05:30

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral sex does not count.

2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day it doesn’t count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn’t count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn’t count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “did I shave my legs for this,” it doesn’t count.

7. An old flame doesn’t count.

8. An ex-spouse doesn’t count. Refer to this as a “pity f*ck.”

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet.”

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was fun right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn’t count. Refer back to “glorified masturbation”.

18. In a car doesn’t count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull ‘n pray method of birth control) doesn’t count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate).

22. An act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “being neighborly.”

24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count. This should be considered a “fuck friend.”

26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!

Pickup Lines For Computer Geeks

2007-12-30T17:13:00.002+05:30

- Nice Set of Floppies!

- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

- I'd like to play on your laptop.

- Need me to unzip your files?

- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!

- I'd like to boot up your PC!

- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!

- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...

- Your homepage or mine?

Heaven & Hell

2007-12-30T17:13:00.001+05:30

In Heaven:

* The French cook the food.
* The Swiss run the hotels.
* The Germans fix the cars.
* The Italians are the lovers.
* The English are the police.

In Hell:

* The English cook the food.
* The French run the hotels.
* The Italians fix the cars.
* The Swiss are the lovers.
* The Germans are the police.

Cat Heaven

2007-12-30T17:12:00.001+05:30

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!”

Losing temper with people

2007-12-30T17:10:00.001+05:30

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people, and insulting them... You have to help me, doc!"

The doctor says, "All right. Well, let's see... Can you begin by telling me about your problem?"

Replies Morris, "I just did, you no good, son-of-a-bitch!"

Football Broadcasts That Sound Dirty

2007-12-30T17:10:00.000+05:30

* The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

* He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

* He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!

* It’s a game of inches.

* That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

* When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.

* He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.

* He found his tight end.

* End around!

* He had to stretch to get it in!

* He gets penetration into the backfield!

* He blows them off (at the line)!

* He bangs it in!

* He could go all the way!

* He gets it off just in time!

* He goes deep!

* He found a hole and slid through it!

* He pounds it in!

* He beats them off (the line)

* He’s got great hands!

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men

2007-12-29T10:31:00.000+05:30

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Haunted House Candy Hunt

2007-12-29T10:30:00.001+05:30

Click here to play now!
Help Jek and Ponda rescue Candy from the haunted house.
Instruction: Left, right arrow key to move ; Up arrow key to jump or climb rope ; Down arrow key to squat or descend rope ; A to kick or exit rope.

Thirsty Drunk

2007-12-29T10:26:00.000+05:30

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Champagne."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Payal Rohatgi 5

2007-12-29T10:25:00.000+05:30

Click here to play now!
Payal Rohatgi in skimpy bikini top showing awesome cleavage picture puzzle game.
Instruction: Please use mouse to put puzzle pieces together.

Alcohol as substitute for women

2007-12-29T10:24:00.000+05:30

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Oh Ladies

2007-12-29T10:17:00.000+05:30

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Sorry Ladies ... I had to!

Horses Vs Husbands

2007-12-29T10:16:00.002+05:30

GOOD THINGS ABOUT HUSBANDS:

1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.

2. Feeding a husband doesn’t require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.

3. A lame husband can still work.

4. A husband with a bellyache doesn’t have to be walked.

5. Husbands don’t try to scratch their heads on your back.

6. They are better able to understand puns.

7. If they are playing hard to catch, you *may* be able to run them down on foot.

8. They know their name.

9. They usually pay their own bills.

10. They apologize when they step on your toes.

11. No saddle fitting problems.

12. They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle.

13. They don’t panic - running and yelling all through the house when you leave them alone (unless you’ve left the kids with them too!).

14. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip them.

15. They don’t like the lady next door just as well as you, just because she fed him for 3 days straight.

THE HORSE’S ADVANTAGE:

1. If they don’t work out you can sell them.

2. They don’t come complete with in-laws.

3. You don’t have to worry about your children looking like them.

4. You never have to iron their saddle pads.

5. If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one.

6. They smell good when they sweat.

7. You can repair their “clothes” with duct tape.

8. It’s possible to keep them from “jumping the fence”.

9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition with a whip if necessary.

10. They don’t want their turn at the computer.

11. They may turn white with age, but never go bald.

12. They have never heard of PMS.

13. They learn to accept restraint.

14. They don’t care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple.

How women get what they want

2007-12-29T10:16:00.001+05:30

Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".

For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?

Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??

Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.

Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!

Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?

Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".

Cigarette Warnings

2007-12-29T10:15:00.000+05:30

Editor's Note:- Friends, please take this warnings seriously and not as a joke. Quit Smoking.

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual “equipment.”

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:

* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size — how about you?

* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.

* Warning!: If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — That is… if you’re capable of conceiving any.

* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.

* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there’s no before?

* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning!: Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.

How to get a life

2007-12-29T10:14:00.002+05:30

It’s never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t as painful as kidney stones. Here’s how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.

Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

Two blonde cowpokes

2007-12-29T10:14:00.001+05:30

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.”

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.”

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.”

Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.”

But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh . . . my . . . God . . .. we’re going to be millionaires!”

The Vet Visit

2007-12-29T10:13:00.001+05:30

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”

My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.

The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, “Your wife’s pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!”

Football in relation to sex

2007-12-29T10:12:00.001+05:30

Coin Toss = Asking them out

Kickoff = Holding hands

1st Down = Kissing

2nd Down = Up the shirt

3rd Down = Down south

4th Down = Oral action

Touchdown = Shaggin’

Victory Dance = Smoking afterwards

Time Out = The guy needs more time/can’t get it up

Incompletion = Guy can’t get off

Interception = Someone walks in on the two of you

Offsides = Gay person/Gay action

Flag on the play = Unwanted Advances

Delay of game = Girl has her period

Hail Mary = Not sure the other one wants it, but you go for it anyway

Hike = Up the rear

Reverse = 69

Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky

2pt. conversion = Multiple orgasms

Prevent Defense = Condom/protection

Face Mask = Guy pulls girl head down to blow him

Shotgun = Touchdown in a car

Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load

Holding = Cuddling

Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night

Huddle = Multiple participants

Madden ‘99 = Cybersex

Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex

Illegal use of the hands = Masturbation

Ball Hog = Slut

Onside Kick = Making up after a fight

Double Header = Two mates in the same night

Tight End = Virgin

Wide Receiver = Girl that’s loose

False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)

Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some

Fumble = Cheating (problem in the relationship)

Putting it through the uprights = Self explanatory

Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo

Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities

Double Coverage = Two condoms

Handoff = Handjob

Interview at Infosys

2007-12-29T10:11:00.000+05:30

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative ..

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: He he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'versioncontrol', 'deadlines', 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: He he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. :-)) We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys :-)

Huge list of funny one-liners

2007-12-29T10:10:00.000+05:30

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What's the speed of dark?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Calories burnt for various sexual tasks

2007-12-29T10:08:00.000+05:30

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
With your teeth through her shirt.....108 Calories

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary..................................... 12 Calories
69 lying down............................... 78 Calories
69 standing up............................. 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ .....326 Calories
Italian chandelier. (just look it up).. 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Rainbow condom

2007-12-29T10:07:00.002+05:30

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms.

The female clerk told him, “We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?”

The guy said, “Good, I’ll take a box.”

A few months later, he went into the women’s clothing section and saw that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity section.

The guy said, “I’d like to buy a maternity blouse.”

The clerk asked, “What bust?”

To which he replied, “One of the goddamm blue ones!”

Certificate for two hours of great sex

2007-12-29T10:07:00.001+05:30

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Three guys talking of control over wives

2007-12-29T10:04:00.000+05:30

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

Halloween Adventure

2007-12-25T09:15:00.000+05:30

Click here to play now!
Lead Bravo through the mysterious journey to reach the pumpkin house.
Instruction: Arrow keys to move and jump. Use A key to shoot. Use down arrow to duck. Collect pumpkins to score points..