If I had a penis I’d wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I’d pamper it proper.
I’d stay in the tub and use me as a stopper.

If I had a penis I’d take it to parties,
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I’d take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I’d stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day.

I’d rival my buddies in sports cars and stick-shifts.
I’d shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I’d peek around corners, I’d aim at my toilet.
I’d poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.

If I had a penis I’d run to my mother,
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I’d lance her, I’d knight her, my hands would indulge,
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
A penis to love me, a penis to share…
To pick up and play with when nobody’s there.

I’d sit like a guy, I’d straddle the chair.
I’d play with my fly, albeit with care.
I’d dip it in chocolate, I’d stick it in sockets.
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets.

I’d stick it in vacuums on vacant verandahs,
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Pool halls and potholes and bottles and bitches.

If I had a penis, I’d climb every mountain.
I’d force it on females, I’d pee like a fountain.
If I could have a penis and still be a girl,
I’d make much more money and conquer the world!

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