1. I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

2. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

3. I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

4. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others — they are more fucked up than you think.

5. I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

6. I’ve learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

7. I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

8. I’ve learned that a good time can be had by sitting on the beach and drinking with a bum.

9. I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

10. I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

11. I’ve learned that maturity is a magazine for old people.

12. I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one, the asshole and the horse tooth girl will be and will also claim to be your best friend.

13. I’ve learned that no matter how good a chick is, she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

14. I’ve learned that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

15. I’ve learned that airport personnel don’t like you joking about bombs in your luggage. No matter how many times you state that you’re only joking.

16. I’ve learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

17. I’ve learned to say, “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.

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